Time Out! Not Just For Kids

An angry customer is sure bait for an argument, however, an argument can't proceed without a participant. Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by speaking and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent. If you feel that a customer is making you escalate in your anger, use time-out. You learned that approach in Kindergarten.

Taking a time-out will immediately help to de-escalate anger before it becomes too intense. Quick burst of intense anger leads to verbal and physical abuse for many people. Use the time-out technique to avoid the anger trap. When taking a time-out try repeating one of these affirmations:

I don't need to prove myself in this situation.

I can stay calm.

As long as I keep my cool, I'm in control of myself.

No need to doubt myself, what other people say doesn't matter.

I'm the only person who can make me mad or keep me calm.

I need to take time to relax and slow things down.

When Your Buttons Get Pushed, How Well Do You Manage?

When you have an automatic, negative response to something, this often indicates a hypersensitivity that's referred to as "getting your buttons pushed." Usually these sensitivities have developed due to hurtful childhood experiences, such as repeatedly being criticized, rejected or controlled. For example, if your parents were very controlling, when someone tells you to do something, you may resist--often subconsciously. Answer the following two sets of questions to discover how well you manage your buttons being pushed.
Set 1

True False

1. When my buttons get pushed, I tend to shut down and withdraw.


2. When someone hurts me--even when I know it was unintentional--I lash out at them or blame myself.

3. I hate it when someone tells me I'm "too sensitive."


4. When someone says or does something that triggers the feelings connected to an old emotional pain, it takes me a long time to let go of it and feel centered again. I often carry a resentment.


5. Sometimes I have no idea why I do what I do--I just can't control myself.


6. Once someone pushes my buttons, that's it--my wall goes up and stays up. I feel like a powerless little kid.

Set 2
True False

7. When old feelings are triggered by something in the present, I take a deep breath, acknowledge that old feelings have been activated, get myself to a safe and comfortable environment and seek the support I need.


8. Rather than feeling victimized and blaming someone for pushing my buttons, I, again, take a deep breath, and then take an honest look at myself to see what I can learn from the situation.


9. I've worked to uncover old, painful issues so that I can release what was triggered and not feel at the mercy of my emotional response.


10. When I feel triggered, it often has nothing to do with the person who pushed my buttons.


11. I'm familiar with my most common "buttons"; I recognize them more quickly now and am less reactive.


12. When my buttons do get pushed now, I am able to see the unresolved issues needing my attention.


13. I feel like an empowered adult when I can courageously look at my emotional triggers and work through them.

If you answered true more often in Set 1 and false more often in Set 2, you may wish to learn how to deal more effectively when your buttons get pushed and how to release their charge. Please don't hesitate to call if you'd like to explore this issue further.

Five Signals Your Anger is a Problem

From time to time everyone experiences anger this is normal human behavior. The following however are specific signals that will tell you when your anger is beyond what is normal and can be considered an issue.

When anger is too frequent
One or more blow-ups a day and/or constant irritation often about small issues and occurrences can be a signal of an anger management problem. It is important to be able to distinguish between those times when it is Okay to be angry, and when anger is too frequent and/or inappropriate for the situation, place and time. Remember everything doesn’t matter.

When it is too intense.

A moderate level of anger actually can be helpful and used to your advantage to make breakthroughs in communication. This type of anger can present opportunities for clarity, compromise and possibly improved relationships. High degrees of anger rarely if ever produce positive results and may damage your relationships, threaten your job or your health.
Screaming at the bank Teller because she is following the rules or the checker at the grocery store because you’re in a hurry or the wait staff at a restaurant because they bought you ice water instead of room temperature water is bad behavior and will not get you what you want. Throwing your keys, name calling or forcefully imposing your will with a co-worker in the workplace are all problematic and inappropriate behaviors.

When it lasts too long.
Think of a car that is idling to high without being adjusted back to normal operating levels. When your car or in the case of your body does not return to normal operating level there is sure to be a burn out in one of your bodies operating systems. Prolonged anger causes elevated stress levels.

When it leads to aggression.
If you feel you have been abused, treated unfairly or that your personal values have been violated, you may want to hurt the person who has offended you. Most acts of aggression begin with verbal hostility which often leads to a cycle of increasing aggressive behavior. Sooner or later this behavior will result in trouble. Remember, letting go or walking away doesn’t mean you’re not right or that your point is not valid.

When it destroys work or personal relationships.
If you let your anger interfere with completing your work or doing a good job or makes it difficult for co-workers to relate to you then you have allowed your anger to become problematic.

Judgments--Criticism or Mirror?

"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"

You could see the red flush of rage start to rise on the mother's face. "I have never, ever experienced a more defiant, stubborn, selfish child," she said through clenched teeth to her friend.

Washing the dinner dishes for the fifth time that week, her husband was nursing a resentment against his wife's "laziness" in the kitchen, while their son was in his room calling his parents "mean" and "unfair" for requiring that he complete his homework before going out to play.

There's one thing they all agree on: It's the other person's fault.

But there's another thing they're all missing: Every judgment we pass on other people is a revelation about ourselves, an expression of our own needs and values.

For example, the mother may need to look at the rage she felt as a child, when defying her own parents resulted in physical punishment, something she would never do to her own son. The husband may need to work on his assertiveness, asking for more shared responsibility in the kitchen. And the son may need to understand the consequences of the choices he made regarding his homework.

In each case, the judgment itself provided a clue for what needs to be looked at, acknowledged or brought out.

"Can't I just have an opinion, though?" we are tempted to ask.

Of course. But judgment is different from the kinds of opinions that form from assessment or objective appraisals. Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons and diagnoses are all forms of judgment, all ways of saying that another person is "wrong." Other types of judgments:

1. Judgments based on beliefs and expectations. "You're 11 now, and you should be able to remember to turn the lights off in your room." ["You're inconsiderate; you're an airhead."]
   
2. Judgments based on fears. "She's cold and distant lately; I think she's getting ready to leave me."
   
3. Judgments based on prejudices and preconceived notions. "Doesn't he have any decency, flirting around with the receptionist like that?"
   
4. Judgments based on generalizations. "Believe me, all bosses are mean."
   
5. Judgments that make us feel better about ourselves. "How could you not know where Brazil is?" ["You're stupid; I'm smart."]
   
6. Judgments that distract us from taking responsibility. "She gets all the parts she wants; she's the director's daughter."

To enjoy the benefits of being nonjudgmental--more effective communication, reduced misunderstandings, enhanced relationships at home and work, and a sense of emotional freedom and safety--try these actions.

1. Be aware of where and when you are judging others. This is a necessary first step.
   
2. Practice empathy with a soft heart. What's it like to be the other person?
   
3. Listen and keep an open mind. Learn to make objective evaluations about ideas, people, and situations.
   
4. Be curious. Ask about the circumstances of someone else's life. Most of our assumptions are based on extremely little real information.
   
5. Accept differences. If we can accept each others' choices, and trust in each other to take responsibility for the impact of each choice, then there is so much more freedom for all of us to be ourselves.
   
6. Focus on feelings and needs--your own and those of others. This will take you out of judgment and into aliveness.

For more information or to schedule a complimentary session at the Anger Management Institute,LLC, please call 510.393.0250

A Message to Human Resource Departments

This is a reprint of an article written by my mentor and the Guru of Anger Management, George Anderson.

I am a specialist in Employer ordered clients for both small and large businesses. As the director of the Anger Management Institute, I have successfully solved numerous hostile workplace environments. The problem is usually one employee, manager or supervisor however the damage, ill feelings disjointed team and absenteeism is far reaching. I think that George says this well.

Enlightened Human Resource Managers recognize the value of taking action quickly when any violence in the workplace policy is violated. Doing nothing is an invitation to “hostile workplace” liability lawsuits.

Physical altercations are far less common than verbal behavior that is interpreted by the victim as demeaning, threatening, arrogant or disruptive. Anger Management rather than counseling is the intervention of choice for interpersonal conflicts at work.

When mandating anger management to an employee, it is best for the H.R. Manager to personally contact a Certified Anger Management Provider prior to making the referral. Legitimate Anger Management Facilitators offer their services in person rather than on-line. They use Pre and Post Assessments for each client. They use client workbooks and provide anger management either individually or in small groups.

Finally, they are accustomed to working with H.R. referrals and dealing with resistant clients. They are aware of the need to provide appropriated feedback to H.R. Managers.

If your workplace environment is affected by abrasive and unruly employees or management then please call the Anger Management Institute,LLC. 510.393.0250