Five Signals Your Anger is a Problem

From time to time everyone experiences anger this is normal human behavior. The following however are specific signals that will tell you when your anger is beyond what is normal and can be considered an issue.

When anger is too frequent
One or more blow-ups a day and/or constant irritation often about small issues and occurrences can be a signal of an anger management problem. It is important to be able to distinguish between those times when it is Okay to be angry, and when anger is too frequent and/or inappropriate for the situation, place and time. Remember everything doesn’t matter.

When it is too intense.

A moderate level of anger actually can be helpful and used to your advantage to make breakthroughs in communication. This type of anger can present opportunities for clarity, compromise and possibly improved relationships. High degrees of anger rarely if ever produce positive results and may damage your relationships, threaten your job or your health.
Screaming at the bank Teller because she is following the rules or the checker at the grocery store because you’re in a hurry or the wait staff at a restaurant because they bought you ice water instead of room temperature water is bad behavior and will not get you what you want. Throwing your keys, name calling or forcefully imposing your will with a co-worker in the workplace are all problematic and inappropriate behaviors.

When it lasts too long.
Think of a car that is idling to high without being adjusted back to normal operating levels. When your car or in the case of your body does not return to normal operating level there is sure to be a burn out in one of your bodies operating systems. Prolonged anger causes elevated stress levels.

When it leads to aggression.
If you feel you have been abused, treated unfairly or that your personal values have been violated, you may want to hurt the person who has offended you. Most acts of aggression begin with verbal hostility which often leads to a cycle of increasing aggressive behavior. Sooner or later this behavior will result in trouble. Remember, letting go or walking away doesn’t mean you’re not right or that your point is not valid.

When it destroys work or personal relationships.
If you let your anger interfere with completing your work or doing a good job or makes it difficult for co-workers to relate to you then you have allowed your anger to become problematic.

Judgments--Criticism or Mirror?

"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"

You could see the red flush of rage start to rise on the mother's face. "I have never, ever experienced a more defiant, stubborn, selfish child," she said through clenched teeth to her friend.

Washing the dinner dishes for the fifth time that week, her husband was nursing a resentment against his wife's "laziness" in the kitchen, while their son was in his room calling his parents "mean" and "unfair" for requiring that he complete his homework before going out to play.

There's one thing they all agree on: It's the other person's fault.

But there's another thing they're all missing: Every judgment we pass on other people is a revelation about ourselves, an expression of our own needs and values.

For example, the mother may need to look at the rage she felt as a child, when defying her own parents resulted in physical punishment, something she would never do to her own son. The husband may need to work on his assertiveness, asking for more shared responsibility in the kitchen. And the son may need to understand the consequences of the choices he made regarding his homework.

In each case, the judgment itself provided a clue for what needs to be looked at, acknowledged or brought out.

"Can't I just have an opinion, though?" we are tempted to ask.

Of course. But judgment is different from the kinds of opinions that form from assessment or objective appraisals. Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons and diagnoses are all forms of judgment, all ways of saying that another person is "wrong." Other types of judgments:

1. Judgments based on beliefs and expectations. "You're 11 now, and you should be able to remember to turn the lights off in your room." ["You're inconsiderate; you're an airhead."]
   
2. Judgments based on fears. "She's cold and distant lately; I think she's getting ready to leave me."
   
3. Judgments based on prejudices and preconceived notions. "Doesn't he have any decency, flirting around with the receptionist like that?"
   
4. Judgments based on generalizations. "Believe me, all bosses are mean."
   
5. Judgments that make us feel better about ourselves. "How could you not know where Brazil is?" ["You're stupid; I'm smart."]
   
6. Judgments that distract us from taking responsibility. "She gets all the parts she wants; she's the director's daughter."

To enjoy the benefits of being nonjudgmental--more effective communication, reduced misunderstandings, enhanced relationships at home and work, and a sense of emotional freedom and safety--try these actions.

1. Be aware of where and when you are judging others. This is a necessary first step.
   
2. Practice empathy with a soft heart. What's it like to be the other person?
   
3. Listen and keep an open mind. Learn to make objective evaluations about ideas, people, and situations.
   
4. Be curious. Ask about the circumstances of someone else's life. Most of our assumptions are based on extremely little real information.
   
5. Accept differences. If we can accept each others' choices, and trust in each other to take responsibility for the impact of each choice, then there is so much more freedom for all of us to be ourselves.
   
6. Focus on feelings and needs--your own and those of others. This will take you out of judgment and into aliveness.

For more information or to schedule a complimentary session at the Anger Management Institute,LLC, please call 510.393.0250

A Message to Human Resource Departments

This is a reprint of an article written by my mentor and the Guru of Anger Management, George Anderson.

I am a specialist in Employer ordered clients for both small and large businesses. As the director of the Anger Management Institute, I have successfully solved numerous hostile workplace environments. The problem is usually one employee, manager or supervisor however the damage, ill feelings disjointed team and absenteeism is far reaching. I think that George says this well.

Enlightened Human Resource Managers recognize the value of taking action quickly when any violence in the workplace policy is violated. Doing nothing is an invitation to “hostile workplace” liability lawsuits.

Physical altercations are far less common than verbal behavior that is interpreted by the victim as demeaning, threatening, arrogant or disruptive. Anger Management rather than counseling is the intervention of choice for interpersonal conflicts at work.

When mandating anger management to an employee, it is best for the H.R. Manager to personally contact a Certified Anger Management Provider prior to making the referral. Legitimate Anger Management Facilitators offer their services in person rather than on-line. They use Pre and Post Assessments for each client. They use client workbooks and provide anger management either individually or in small groups.

Finally, they are accustomed to working with H.R. referrals and dealing with resistant clients. They are aware of the need to provide appropriated feedback to H.R. Managers.

If your workplace environment is affected by abrasive and unruly employees or management then please call the Anger Management Institute,LLC. 510.393.0250

Four More Day’s till Christmas

Though I don’t have a lot to do to prepare for Christmas this year, I still find that I’m distracted by December’s activities and expectations.

For an upcoming party I decided to wear a great little outfit that had been packed away for a couple of years. Mindful of my spending, I chose to hand wash and line dry a cute little two piece dress. After a full day of line drying my outfit was still damp so, despite the label’s care instructions, I decided to use the dryer to speed up the process. When the cycle ended I saw that my outfit was still damp and for the next two days whenever I thought about it I’d try a new dryer setting only to find my outfit still lay damp and limp.

Fast-forward to day three, and my outfit was still not dry. I realized the dryer motor worked but decided the heating cycle was broken. This was the beginning of my unproductive tension. It started with one little negative thought, the beginning of beating myself up: “Now I have to wear something I don’t want to wear”, followed by thoughts of whether or not I should make a quick run to the store and buy another outfit; followed by thoughts of past transgressions which lead to this disaster and, of course, thoughts of the money I’d tried to save wasted on fixing the dryer to boot!!

I spent 45 minutes on Google looking for dryer repair people. Just before making the call, I stopped by my laundry room again. After days of multiples cycles and time spent filled with negative thoughts, like whirling dervishes in my head, I realized that the garment had never made it to the dryer. I’d been turning the dryer on but had never removed my dress from the washing machine.

To state the obvious: you can’t dry clothes in a washer it never work!

Being distracted wastes time. It’s costly and sure to make you angry at yourself or someone else. When you’re distracted you’re not focused. Once distracted you can easily move to a place called “unproductive tension,” where after an incident such as mine, you allow your mind to build thought upon negative thought—and suddenly your mind has run away with itself. At that point you’re a wreck and you’ve probably made a few other people around you “wrecks” as well, and yes, even angry.

During these holiday times we find ourselves terribly distracted: arguments in stores or at work; road rage; and melancholy while watching a Christmas commercial. This is why I think there are so many accidents, depression and arguments during the last quarter of the year. We are thinking so much more and pre-occupied with the past too much or are too far in the future and not present to what really should be a joyous time.

So as a specialist with tools my moments are short and far apart but at last the specialist is also human. What I say to you I say to myself: stay focused, stay present, notice what’s happening in your head before your thoughts have a chance to build momentum. The sooner you catch yourself in the act of building your mental snowball or mind tornado the easier it is to stop.

Jingle all the way…..

Eight More Day’s till Christmas……..

Self Quiz

Are You Too Busy? How Can You Tell?

Although it may not always seem so, how we fill and spend our time is our choice. Answer the following questions to discover if you're caught up in the "too-busy" cycle.

True | False
TrueFalse	1. I constantly find myself doing "urgent" things and trying to catch up.
TrueFalse	2. I allow myself to drift into obligations before I know how much time or energy they'll require.
TrueFalse	3. I find myself running from when I get up in the morning until I go to bed at night. I'm always tired and never feel that I accomplished enough.
TrueFalse	4. I seldom schedule a day off for myself and when I do, I tend to fill it with activities.
TrueFalse	5. I don't make time for self-care: physical exercise, nurturing or pampering myself, cultural stimulation, spiritual well-being, learning something new, playing or simply doing nothing.
TrueFalse	6. I seldom have time to do the things I really love. My work and project areas are cluttered with "I'll look at this later" stacks and "to-do" piles.
TrueFalse	7. I often miscalculate how long activities will take.
TrueFalse	8. I often miss deadlines or work long hours to meet a deadline.
TrueFalse	9. I respond to interruptions such as phone calls, text messages and email, and allow them to take me off track.
TrueFalse	10. I try to keep things in my head rather than making lists. If I do make a daily "to-do" list, it's impossible to complete in a day.
TrueFalse	11. I tend to move from one urgent thing to the next, rather than working toward specific goals and objectives.
TrueFalse	12. I find myself constantly wishing I had more time or projecting an imaginary future when I have more time, making comments such as "as soon as..." or "next year..."
TrueFalse	13. I spend time running errands and rushing because I didn't plan well enough.
TrueFalse	14. I spend time doing things I could pay someone else to do.
TrueFalse	15. I often do things because I "should," or continue to do things that no longer fit who I am.
TrueFalse	16. Other people complain that my schedule doesn't allow enough time for them.

If you answered "true" to many of these questions and would like to explore ways to slow down your life, please don't hesitate to call: 510.393.0250

Ahh rump-pa-pomp-pomp......