A Little About The Anger Management Process

The thought of coming to anger management is a lot scarier than being in the actual process.  Most people really don’t know what to expect which is one of the reasons why I spend so much time in the initial telephone consultation.  A lot has to happen during this first conversation. First and foremost, I have to get the client to relax and allay any fears around the process. Usually, a person has lived with their “out of control" anger issue for years. There is often embarrassment, shame and even feelings of inadequacy for not being able to manage their anger themselves.

 The initial conversation is a time of discovery for both the client and myself.  I ask the client a lot of open-ended questions.  Good questions reveal a lot for both client and counselor. The first call is more of a conversation, where most importantly, I am looking for a connection between the prospective client and me.  A mutual connection suggests the process will move forward fluidly.  However, having no strong initial connection during the first conversation does not necessarily translate into a problem. Yet a common meeting ground needs to be attained between the client and me before beginning the anger management process.

The fact is that anger is one of eight normal human emotions. We are all wired for it. It is perfectly fine and healthy to get angry. Anger enables us to protect and defend what belongs to us. Anger becomes a  problem when it becomes inappropriate. Of all the normal human emotions anger is the most overused and misused.   My job is to teach new ways of behaving when angry that is compatible with the client’s innate sensibilities. 

Anger Management Institute, An Emotional Intelligence based Anger management 510.393.0250

Incivility In The Workplace

Feeling the pressure in the workplace? You've got plenty of company. Many employees today feel maxed out, on edge and ticked off, and it's eroding workplace civility.

Consider these telling statistics from a handful of recent studies and surveys:

• Managers said they spend, on average, 18 percent of their time dealing with staff conflict, according to an Accountemps survey.
• Forty-three percent of employees said they've experienced incivility at work, according to the "Civility in America" poll conducted by Weber Shandwick, its Powell Tate division and KRC Research.
• A Baylor University study found office incivility not only stresses people out during their working hours but also serves as a significant source of strain and strife at home.

Now more than ever, it's critical to find ways to effectively deal with stress and conflict at work.

If this is of concern in your workplace please call the Anger Management Institute, @ 510.393.0250

Specializing in workplace conflict and employee impulse control

Bathroom Dissention

Recently I listened to a wife fume about how she hates the toilet seat up. Years of repeated requests, orders, demands-and even once slamming the seat down and breaking it.

It’s not like its weekly although I would say one common argument that occurs in my office between couples is the toilet seat argument.

The toilet seat argument was not a source of dissension from the late 1500s to the mid-1800s because bathrooms were a separate space with a hole that relied on gravity. I have no proof however I suspect the arguments between couples started around the 1860s. If anyone person is to blame for this endless argument I would point a finger at a guy name Thomas Crapper (yes I said Crapper).

Crapper did not invent the flush toilet (that honor goes to Sir John Harrington). Crapper did, however, do much to increase the popularity of the toilet and bathroom, and developed some important related inventions. Not only did Thomas Crapper’s modernization of the toilet most likely birth the issue of the ‘up or down’ argument the abbreviation of his last name has become synonymous with arguments. This is a load of ‘crap’ you’re talking ‘crap' and 'I hate this crap' are all slang references from Mr. Crapper’s name.

As I see it here are the best solutions/options available for couples engaged in Crapper argument:

·         The Serenity Prayer 
Give us the serenity to accept what cannot be change
The courage to change what can be changed.
and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

·         Acceptance: Ladies the toilet seat up is a guy thing beyond your full comprehension because you’re a woman. If you only think like a woman then it looks like defiance. But it has nothing to do with you nor is it defiance.

·         Be Assertive: Use your words but not too many. If you use too many you won’t be heard. Assertiveness is clear, honest forthright communication. We women have a propensity to have a pre-story- then buried in between is the ask, followed by a few thousand extra words about what we think.

             The best way to be assertive is to use the “I” statement formula:

Say: “I feel angry” (use a feeling word)

What: (Say what is bothering you) “When you leave the toilet seat up”.

How:(Say how it is it affecting you): “Because I’ve actually fallen in at night”.

Say what you need: “I need you to put the toilet seat down at night” or “I need you to redecorate the guest bathroom into your own personal bathroom.”

By the way, if your husband does make another bathroom his you must leave the subject alone completely.

·         Compromise: In all relationships compromise is an absolute necessity. In a nutshell, it is settling differences by mutual agreement. If you combine being assertive with some possible solutions, you have a chance of reaching an agreement and eliminating that fruitless argument.

For example the wife says, “I need you to keep the toilet seat down all the time”. Husband says, “I probably can’t do that”. The wife says, “that is unacceptable you must!” The husband says,” how about I work on keeping the seat down at night”. Wife replies, “this will work”.

             It may take a while to reach a compromise however a compromise is a win-win.

 For the record: a woman needs the toilet seat down 100% of the time. A man only 50% of the time. A husband could argue his point, and yet in 12 years of practice, I never heard a man complain that the seat was down.
By the way, men never come to my office and have the toilet seat on their list of complaints. NEVER!

Anger Management Institute, Specializing in impulse control and emotional intelligence.

100 Year Old Wisdom Still Stands Today

As far as possible one should not interfere in the affairs of others.....Bagavan

Recently, an employer-mandated client was ordered to anger management for an altercation that was ignited as a result of 'gossiping'.  The tension between the two employees resulted in a confrontation right in the hub of the workplace. I cringed from just listening to the story.

As the employer-mandated client was recanting the details it motivated me to go back to an article I recently read on the ills of gossiping. I was motivated to find the 19th-century etiquette book. "American Etiquette And Rules Of Politeness".  Rules for everyday proper behavior in 19th-century life. 

I found the passage called, 'Don't Gossip' surprisingly current for 21st-century work/life.

"Be Free From Tattling". "Do not inflict upon society and another member of that despicable and dangerous species called Gossipers. That tongue that carries slander and defames the character of others is as dark as sin itself. Always be careful in your conversations not to dwell on what you heard somebody say about somebody else".

The moral of the story is to stay out of other people's business. Don't participate in negative stories and don't pass those stories around. Gossip has a long fuse that eventually ignites. Gossip is never helpful or productive as in this case of the gossiping employees who brought the whole workplace down in 10 minutes.

Simple............

Anger Management Institute, specializing in anger and stress management and emotional intelligence coaching.

Anger Is Normal

ANGER is a normal emotion designed to protect us and keep us alive. It should be differentiated from THE ANGRY REACTION which is a behavior pattern that is usually learned in early childhood and which is the aggressive reaction to the perception we are being attacked. That attack is most commonly verbal, but can also be physical, psychological or emotional.

Fact..........

Anger Management Institute, 510.303.0250

Worldwide provider of Anger Management and Impulse Control in the workplace.