What Is A Time-Out?

I find one of the best and fastest ways to diffuse anger is to do something physical, such as taking a walk or jog, before going back and facing the issue that caused the anger in the first place. Just going to the restroom and splashing water on your face or drinking a glass of water can also be effective. Whatever the case, remind yourself that the key is breaking the cycle of anger by getting away from the source of the anger for the moment and then doing some physical activity that will cause the anger to diffuse from your mind and body. Doing this is is one of the best methods to achieve the ultimate goal of getting past the anger to solve the issue that sparked that anger.

This method of walking away from anger temporarily to give yourself a better chance of coming back and solving the original problem is called "taking a time-out."

What is a time-out?

For the past couple of decades or so, we normally associate the term with behavior modification for children. As the popularity of corporal punishment of children waned, parents and caretakers took up the practice of removing an offending child from an activity and forcing them to spend time silently and by themselves in a corner, on a chair, or in some other isolated place. This children's time-out can be used as a "cooling off" or as a form of punishment in lieu of spanking.

The "cooling off" portion of children's time-out is actually closer to the original concept of time-out as it was known during the period of the early 1960's when the term was coined by Arthur Staats. The original purpose was to provide a means of stepping away from a situation that had engendered high emotions—often anger—to de-escalate those emotions and to gather or to re-center oneself. I often recommend the tool of time-out with couples. However, it is a good tool to use in any situation.

Anger is an escalating emotion. Once the situation escalates, it is difficult for the two parties to a disagreement to hear one another because emotions have taken over. Once emotions take over, nothing can be accomplished.

One should not simply walk away from a tense situation without saying anything, however, if one's intent is to later return with a calmer mind to try to resolve the situation. As opposed to just walking away, it is important when taking a time-out that you specifically state that “we need to take a time-out” or that "we need to take some space for a moment." One may even choose to say, " I want to listen to your concerns because what you say is important to me, but I'm just not able to listen right now. Give me a few minutes." Otherwise, the other party will have no idea why you walked away, and may think it means they have won the point or, even worse, that you have been dismissive and disrespected them. The feelings of dismissiveness can acerbate the other person's anger and/or create a breakdown in trust and goodwill.

It is also important to tell whoever you are in the argument with that you are stepping away for some amount of time such as 20, 30 even 40 minutes. However, whatever time you say it is important to honor what you say. This lends to feelings of safety and trust.

Taking a time-out requires learning self-awareness. Self-awareness is a key in managing anger. It is learning to know oneself and learning to identify what you are feeling, then taking the appropriate action to rectify a situation. Without self-awareness, you can go from 0 to 100 before knowing how or when you got there.

Another important rule to taking time-outs during a heated or heating-up discussion or disagreement is that when you take the space you need to gather your thoughts, you don’t drink alcohol or use any drugs. In addition, once you return to the discussion, check in. Talk about what you were feeling and what made you angry. This check-in can be valuable in practicing communication and discussing emotions rather than using your emotions in an assaulting and aggressive way.

Lastly, there are no rules as to how many time-outs you may take. If you find the discussion is escalating again, just say, “I’m feeling myself getting angry and I need to take another time-out."

Emotional Intelligence In The Workplace

You might be the best in the world at what you do, but if you alienate coworkers and rub your managers the wrong way, no one is going to want to work with you. That’s where your emotional intelligence quotient, or EQ, comes in.

Understanding what makes your colleagues tick, how to build rapport and connect emotionally with them and how to manage your own and other people’s emotional makeup will pay off enormously at work: You’ll find yourself easily able to get along with people at all levels of your organization, equipped to choose the right battles (and the times to fight them!) and be prepared to finesse sticky situations.

Imagine a manager who delivers tough criticism on the day an employee receives scary health news or who presents a sensitive performance message as a “joke” in front of others. By contrast, a high-EQ manager is likely to be thoughtful about the right time to deliver difficult feedback — and to frame it deftly and sensitively when it is time to deliver the information. And it’s not just managers who benefit from EQ; no matter how senior or junior you are, EQ can help you spot the right way to raise difficult issues, approach a prickly colleague and manage tough clients.

Anger Management Institute, a specialist in "people skills" and impulse control.

17 Angry "Dont's" To Prevent Conflict

If you often find yourself wondering why you got into a conflict with someone when you really hadn't intended to, here are 17 ways you can modify anger-related behavior to minimize those unnecessary conflicts. Try not doing the following:

1.  Speaking

Simply put, just learn to stop talking when you feel yourself teetering on that border of anger. In some instances, silence really is golden, especially if the next few things that might come out of your mouth are likely to be lackluster. Silence is a very powerful and fundamental tool that can be utilized in almost any situation. Just by opting to say nothing as opposed to always having to have your say can result in more favorable outcomes rather. Again, you have to get out of the mentality of always thinking of having to win. There will be times when silence isn’t acceptable and you will have to speak. But before speaking, check yourself to make sure that in this instance it is actually the case.

 2. Rushing

You—or someone you know—has been given the gift of quick wit. They’re that person that always has the perfect cutting remark ready to go at the crack of a whip. This person seems to always have the ultimate comeback for whatever is thrown at them.

As great as that may sound and no matter how bad or good you are at it, however, it’s not always the best thing to do.

Sometimes we end up saying the very first thing that comes into our minds without thinking of the outcome that it could have on ourselves or the person the comment was directed at. It’s not always best to try and be the quickest on the draw during an argument or disagreement. Sometimes we need to and slow down and think about what we’re saying before we actually say it.

 3. Staying

Get up and go! There will be those times you’ll need to just get up and leave out of the room when you feel yourself about to hit the roof with anger and agitation. Walking away will benefit you far more in the long run than sitting around feeling like you have to be a punching bag for someone else. Again, this is about being accountable for yourself and the actions that you take, as opposed to continuing poor behaviors. Give yourself a time out for a bit and come back to the table with a clearer mind than you had before you left.

 4. Staring

This can be considered a rude behavior whether you're angry or not. When you are angry, however, staring can be seen as an act of aggression towards the person or persons you’re staring at. There’s nothing wrong with making eye contact when addressing someone, but don’t stare or glare at them with so much intensity that they feel threatened or feel the need to meet your intensity with their own.

5.  Interrupting

Here’s an example of yet another poor behavior enacted by those with anger issues. It is an attempt to get your point across and win the argument, rather than actually settling differences. Calling back to our point of rushing into things, the action of interrupting someone while they are speaking isn’t just discourteous, it also shows that you have no interest in what the other person is trying to say. Wait and listen for them to finish what they’re saying and only then, once they’ve concluded, speak your piece.

 6. Cursing

Whereas this may seem cathartic and feel like it’ll help you to relieve a good deal of stress, cursing can actually damage your health. Profane language may just build up what’s already a tense situation. Of course, if cursing has been something you’ve been doing for quite some time, it will be a difficult habit to break. We’re not suggesting that you remove cursing from your vocabulary altogether, but think about the cause and effect of the situation and who it is you’re cursing at and the effect it may have on the situation and both the person or persons you’re speaking to and anyone who may be listening.

 7. Name-Calling

We’ve been taught from an early age that name-calling isn’t a proficient means of communication. However, some of us opt to do it anyway to get our points across, just like we do when cursing at someone. There’s no positive outcome in the long term if you insist on name-calling. It’s destructive and will take you longer to reach the goal of actually resolving an issue.

 8. Threatening

This is a pretty obvious one, but to help illustrate a point I want you to take this into consideration. Suppose, at the beginning of these lessons, I had written the following warning:

IF YOU DON’T PRACTICE THESE MANDATES, IT WILL MAKE LIFE THAT MUCH HARDER FOR YOU!!!

Even though you might have already had in mind that following the suggestions being presented, having someone negatively reinforce that for you in the manner above will almost certainly not help incentivize you to better at managing your anger. Such threats are not good, and just have negative impacts down the road. It has that same negative effect on interpersonal relationships.

 9. Pointing

By this, I mean pointing directly at the person you're talking to during a heated or antagonistic discussion or argument. This is yet another rude behavior someone exhibits when they’re upset or angry. Not only is this a hostile behavior, but it can also elevate an already-stressful or tense situation. Find something else to do with your hands to prevent this kind of behavior.

 10. Yelling, Raising Your Voice, Or Talking In A Mean Tone

These are probably the hallmark attributes of a rageaholic. How quickly we get to these actions can often be a determining factor in seeing how easily someone can become enraged. If you’re quick to do any of these things or if you do any of these things fairly often, you’ll really need to monitor yourself or have others that are willing to do it for you. This is just another aggressive behavior that will affect how others see you and react to what you do or say.

11. Being Sarcastic Or Mocking

These two things can be placed right along with name-calling. It almost seems childish when you do them directly to the person you’re speaking to. To someone who can’t pick up on the fact that you’re just kidding with them, this could turn a situation fairly quickly into stressful and then into an argument, which winds up triggering your anger as a response.

 12. Throwing Things, Slamming Doors, Or Banging Walls

When you start inflicting damage to inanimate objects, what are you really stating? “Better this door, clock, picture, or wall as opposed to hitting someone!” This is true, but what happens when that’s no longer an effective outlet for you? Seeming like the strong intimidating type isn’t a good way to get your point across and will only cause issues for you down the road.

 13. All Non-Affectionate Touching

Especially in intimate relationships, any kind of touching that isn’t welcome or invited is just asking for trouble. If it isn’t asked or called for, don’t do it. At all! This is one of the quickest ways to get the police involved in a situation. Don’t let your anger put you in a situation where you find yourself spending a night in a bullpen (a.k.a. jail cell).

 14. Telling Hero Stories

There’s no need for you to recount the tales of each and every time you came to someone's rescue, or how much you contributed to them in a time of their need, or how you got the best and last word in an argument with them, all for the sake of later throwing it back in their face. Don’t try to diminish someone else by making yourself seem greater in comparison.

 15. Sighing, Clucking, Or Rolling Your Eyes

Especially in the middle of a disagreement, this is something else that would just come off as very juvenile. It is passive-aggressive anger behavior that can just serve to spark anger in either you or the person you’re communicating with.

 16. Criticizing And Lecturing

This can also be seen as fussing at someone, especially in the event that you’re only pointing out their flaws and shortcomings. When you do this, it generally makes the other party just want to tune you out because at this point you’re not conversing with them, you’re just angrily expressing everything you believe they’re doing wrong.

17. Driving While Angry

If you drive a vehicle—or participating in any other activity that requires your full and undivided attention because it can be particularly harmful or hazardous if you are doing it while distracted—then you shouldn’t do it while angry. When you’re angered, you tend to stay focused on the thing upsetting you, and not on the possibly-hazardous activity you're supposed to be paying attention to.

This may cause you to do things while driving that could result in hurting yourself and/or someone else. Anger-distracted driving often results in activities like speeding, honking your horn excessively, slowing down or stopping when you’re not supposed to, hitting objects in your car, making unneeded eye contact with another driver, or making crass comments about their driving. Anger-distraction usually has other similarly-harmful effects on other activities that require your full attention.

People Skills Are Paramount For Leaders

Managing conflict is a key part of managing a department. As a person moves up in a company I believe "people skills" are paramount.

Recently, I had an incident at LAX where I was treated rudely by a ground agent.  As I sat and waited for my turn I was able to see that the few travelers before me had caused the ground agent a good deal of stress.   Stress can be a precursor to anger and by the time it was my turn to be served the ground agent was short and terse with me, to say the least.

The ground agent said enough inappropriate things to me where I could have easily been baited into an argument however I never took the bait.  I ask for a Supervisor.

The Supervisor came over to mediate the situation between the ground agent and myself.  The Supervisor listened attentively, gave each of us the space to speak then said to the ground agent to put me through immediately and then wished me a safe journey.  Problem solved.

A key part of managing conflict and difficult situations requires skill in problem-solving, stress tolerance, active listening, empathy, and emotional expression.  This supervisor exhibited all of these skills and the ground agent exhibited none. 

We live in a different world where inappropriate behavior happens at any place and anytime the trend is worsening every day.  For businesses especially businesses whose front-line is to serve the public there is a need to train staff and hire with an eye for "high people skills". 

Yacine Bell, Anger Management Institute, a specialist in impulse control and "people skills".

The Advantages of An Assessment Tool

   The assessment tool I use is like a GPS System except for behavior.  A Behavior GPS System if you will!  Essentially, an EQ assessment identifies a persons level of functioning in their environment and the world at large.  The assessment profile of a client is an accurate view of their ‘people skills including’  their strengths and challenges in interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.  Using an assessment is a great tool and a solid predictor of success; takes the guesswork out of helping a client move forward, and allows me to offer a highly customized process.

I often tell a potential client that a person really adept at behavior management and impulse control will eventually come to know what I know however it may take them as much as 6 or 7 weeks to come to know what I know on day 1 of working with a new client.

 Having the assessment allows me to understand what is going on with a person specifically. This accurate assessment assist me to identify and create a course of action specifically on the issues which thereby allows me to help manage and improve behavior quickly and thoroughly.

The Anger management Institute is an evidence-based process with a pre-and post-assessment.  The process is relatively quick and thorough with excellent results.

Anger management Institute, specializing in "people skills" and impulse control.

A Look At Doing The Job And Work Styles

Good work cannot be limited to just doing the job. Sounds strange because that's what an employer wants right?

  I have a client who is brilliant at his job however he is rather like a bad virus that infects his unit as a result of his bad temperament. No one really wants to work with him.  John is exceptionally qualified to be a project lead however he's always passed over for team leader positions.  John is chosen for projects (because he's going to do his job) although he is most often chosen last or by default because there is so much emotional territory that comes with working with him.

Why last to be chosen and/or by default if he's good??  John lacks interpersonal skills, low impulse control, and poor empathy.  This combination of behaviors creates a personality with a work style that is a challenge to work with even though he does the actual assignments well.

My client John is working on his emotional intelligence with an emphasis on his temperament and interpersonal skills because he wants to be considered for leadership positions in a company and because he wants friendlier workplace relationships.  What we are doing now is working on the style at which he does his job and his emotional intelligence.

What John knows now is what employers should be more aware of when hiring prospective employees and that is that interpersonal skills, resourcefulness, creativity, and empathy should be as much of a consideration as ability.

John is once again looking for a new job as he wasn't rehired however I am hopeful that whoever hires John will consider his ability to do the job and the style at which he completes his work!

Anger Management Institute, and emotional intelligence-based practice 510.393.0250

Anger Management Is Not Domestic Violence They Are Different

I am certified to practice both Domestic Violence and Anger Management Intervention.  As National President Emeritus of the American Association of Anger Management Providers, I have been asked my opinion and thoughts on the latest events of Domestic Violence as it relates to the NFL.  I realized from all these questions that many people are not clear of the difference between Domestic Violence and Anger Management. My mentor has written the best explanation of both Domestic Violence and Anger Management which I would like to share.

In the NFL and indeed throughout the world, there is confusion among professionals, the Judicial System and the general public regarding the difference between anger management and domestic violence intervention for perpetrators. In California, Penal Code 1203.097 defines domestic violence as violence that occurs in an intimate relationship. The relationship can be gay, lesbian or heterosexual. However, it is violence in an intimate relationship. This law further determines that acceptable intervention is not anger management but rather batterer’s intervention with the primary goal of teaching equality in male-female relationships that represents 98% of all cases. Anger is not seen as a necessary factor in battering relationships.
The real issue in domestic violence is power and control on the part of the perpetrator. Anger is not a prerequisite for abuse. The perpetrator will abuse whenever his control is threatened. Rarely is the perpetrator out of control.
There are no legal definitions of anger or anger management anywhere in the United States. In fact, anger is not considered an abnormal or pathological condition. Anger is considered a normal human emotion. It is therefore not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental & Nervous Disorders. Nor is the treatment or intervention for anger management covered or reimbursed by insurance companies.
Anger is considered a problem when it is hurtful to you or someone else when it lasts too long, is too frequent, is too intense or leads to person or property directed violence. Increasing, since 9/11, the inappropriate public display of anger has become an epidemic. The Criminal Justice system is overwhelmed with cases related to simple battery, threats, workplace violence, road rage, computer rage and implied or actual threats.
Anger is a secondary emotion, which often follows fear, depression, stress, fatigue or a perceived threat or personal, attach on one’s person-hood. The situation that causes the anger is not the problem; the unhealthy response or violence that may follow is the problem.
Successful anger management programs assess at intake for relative competence in four areas: emotional intelligence, stress management, anger management and communication. The coaching or classes are designed to teach skills in self-awareness, self-control, social awareness and relationship management using a number of approaches including client workbooks, role -play, videos, lectures, experiential exercises and real life practices. All clients are required to complete a Pre and Post Emotional Intelligence Assessment that is designed to provide a baseline of the clients skills as well as to determine the success or lack of success of the coaching or classes.
In contrast, domestic violence batterer’s programs focus on male socialization, female socialization, and substance abuse, child abuse, and sexual abuse, male dominance and the impact of family violence on children.
Unfortunately, most batterer’s programs in the U.S. use the outdated Duluth Domestic Violence Intervention Curriculum. This curriculum is in English only and is based on consistent, direct, frequent, intense confrontation of defenses. These interventions may unwittingly increase rather than decrease resistance and defensiveness and may reinforce the belief that relationships are based on coercive influence. Therefore, such programs have no demonstrated value for any population. Rather, they are an insult to people of color or persons whose primary language is not English. Confrontation or shame is culturally inappropriate for persons of Asian descent.

This was written by George Anderson

For more information call: Anger Management Institute, 510.393.0250 specializing in Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Intelligence based Anger Management.

Kiss Your Way To Less Stress

As a stress and anger management specialist, I am always looking for scientifically validated tools and methods to reduce stress and/or manage anger. Substantial data shows that kissing is an effective stress reducer/reliever.
In the moments of a great kiss, the chaos of the outside world is quiet, there’s silence in the mind, and the body relaxes and releases stress away. A kiss lowers stress by decreasing the body’s cortisol levels also known as the stress hormone. At the same time, kissing stimulates the brain and creates a sense of peace and calmness by altering the body’s oxytocin levels.
 Find your chill. Kiss.......

Anger Management Institute, an emotional intelligence-based practice specializing in anger in the workplace

5 Comebacks For Dealing With Rude People

I read this article written by Higher Perspective and thought it might be useful during this Season of Giving. Stress is high, money is short and time is premium. That is a combination of temperamental behavior and stress. I expect there will be plenty of bad behavior out here in the world through to the New Year.  Use one of these tools should you have an encounter with rudeness. Good luck and no Decking in the Halls!

Rude people suck, but there's no way to get around it: you're going to run into one now and then. These are 5 great ways to deal with rude people.

1. Tell them you appreciate their perspective.

When someone is being rude to you, they don't expect graciousness or any kind of positive emotions to come at them. If anything, it'll disarm them and make them realize you appreciate different viewpoints, including theirs.

2. Thank them.

Put on a smile and say "thank you." It's a subtle way to acknowledge their rudeness and opt-out of engaging them on it. It shows you're in control of your emotions.

3. Tell them they're right.

Just because someone is rude doesn't make what they have to say incorrect. If someone rudely points something out, tell them they're right. It almost always gives them pause. They expect you to argue, not concede.

4. End the conversation.

There's nothing wrong with saying a conversation with a rude person is over. You're in charge of who you talk to about what. If you're being disrespected, walk away.

5. Laugh.

 Because what's funnier than laughing in the face of a rude person?

Tools for navigating the environment at large.

Anger Management Institute, specializing in impulse control, anger and stress management an emotional intelligence-based practice.

A Little About The Anger Management Process

The thought of coming to anger management is a lot scarier than being in the actual process.  Most people really don’t know what to expect which is one of the reasons why I spend so much time in the initial telephone consultation.  A lot has to happen during this first conversation. First and foremost, I have to get the client to relax and allay any fears around the process. Usually, a person has lived with their “out of control" anger issue for years. There is often embarrassment, shame and even feelings of inadequacy for not being able to manage their anger themselves.

 The initial conversation is a time of discovery for both the client and myself.  I ask the client a lot of open-ended questions.  Good questions reveal a lot for both client and counselor. The first call is more of a conversation, where most importantly, I am looking for a connection between the prospective client and me.  A mutual connection suggests the process will move forward fluidly.  However, having no strong initial connection during the first conversation does not necessarily translate into a problem. Yet a common meeting ground needs to be attained between the client and me before beginning the anger management process.

The fact is that anger is one of eight normal human emotions. We are all wired for it. It is perfectly fine and healthy to get angry. Anger enables us to protect and defend what belongs to us. Anger becomes a  problem when it becomes inappropriate. Of all the normal human emotions anger is the most overused and misused.   My job is to teach new ways of behaving when angry that is compatible with the client’s innate sensibilities. 

Anger Management Institute, An Emotional Intelligence based Anger management 510.393.0250

Incivility In The Workplace

Feeling the pressure in the workplace? You've got plenty of company. Many employees today feel maxed out, on edge and ticked off, and it's eroding workplace civility.

Consider these telling statistics from a handful of recent studies and surveys:

• Managers said they spend, on average, 18 percent of their time dealing with staff conflict, according to an Accountemps survey.
• Forty-three percent of employees said they've experienced incivility at work, according to the "Civility in America" poll conducted by Weber Shandwick, its Powell Tate division and KRC Research.
• A Baylor University study found office incivility not only stresses people out during their working hours but also serves as a significant source of strain and strife at home.

Now more than ever, it's critical to find ways to effectively deal with stress and conflict at work.

If this is of concern in your workplace please call the Anger Management Institute, @ 510.393.0250

Specializing in workplace conflict and employee impulse control

Bathroom Dissention

Recently I listened to a wife fume about how she hates the toilet seat up. Years of repeated requests, orders, demands-and even once slamming the seat down and breaking it.

It’s not like its weekly although I would say one common argument that occurs in my office between couples is the toilet seat argument.

The toilet seat argument was not a source of dissension from the late 1500s to the mid-1800s because bathrooms were a separate space with a hole that relied on gravity. I have no proof however I suspect the arguments between couples started around the 1860s. If anyone person is to blame for this endless argument I would point a finger at a guy name Thomas Crapper (yes I said Crapper).

Crapper did not invent the flush toilet (that honor goes to Sir John Harrington). Crapper did, however, do much to increase the popularity of the toilet and bathroom, and developed some important related inventions. Not only did Thomas Crapper’s modernization of the toilet most likely birth the issue of the ‘up or down’ argument the abbreviation of his last name has become synonymous with arguments. This is a load of ‘crap’ you’re talking ‘crap' and 'I hate this crap' are all slang references from Mr. Crapper’s name.

As I see it here are the best solutions/options available for couples engaged in Crapper argument:

·         The Serenity Prayer 
Give us the serenity to accept what cannot be change
The courage to change what can be changed.
and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

·         Acceptance: Ladies the toilet seat up is a guy thing beyond your full comprehension because you’re a woman. If you only think like a woman then it looks like defiance. But it has nothing to do with you nor is it defiance.

·         Be Assertive: Use your words but not too many. If you use too many you won’t be heard. Assertiveness is clear, honest forthright communication. We women have a propensity to have a pre-story- then buried in between is the ask, followed by a few thousand extra words about what we think.

             The best way to be assertive is to use the “I” statement formula:

Say: “I feel angry” (use a feeling word)

What: (Say what is bothering you) “When you leave the toilet seat up”.

How:(Say how it is it affecting you): “Because I’ve actually fallen in at night”.

Say what you need: “I need you to put the toilet seat down at night” or “I need you to redecorate the guest bathroom into your own personal bathroom.”

By the way, if your husband does make another bathroom his you must leave the subject alone completely.

·         Compromise: In all relationships compromise is an absolute necessity. In a nutshell, it is settling differences by mutual agreement. If you combine being assertive with some possible solutions, you have a chance of reaching an agreement and eliminating that fruitless argument.

For example the wife says, “I need you to keep the toilet seat down all the time”. Husband says, “I probably can’t do that”. The wife says, “that is unacceptable you must!” The husband says,” how about I work on keeping the seat down at night”. Wife replies, “this will work”.

             It may take a while to reach a compromise however a compromise is a win-win.

 For the record: a woman needs the toilet seat down 100% of the time. A man only 50% of the time. A husband could argue his point, and yet in 12 years of practice, I never heard a man complain that the seat was down.
By the way, men never come to my office and have the toilet seat on their list of complaints. NEVER!

Anger Management Institute, Specializing in impulse control and emotional intelligence.

100 Year Old Wisdom Still Stands Today

As far as possible one should not interfere in the affairs of others.....Bagavan

Recently, an employer-mandated client was ordered to anger management for an altercation that was ignited as a result of 'gossiping'.  The tension between the two employees resulted in a confrontation right in the hub of the workplace. I cringed from just listening to the story.

As the employer-mandated client was recanting the details it motivated me to go back to an article I recently read on the ills of gossiping. I was motivated to find the 19th-century etiquette book. "American Etiquette And Rules Of Politeness".  Rules for everyday proper behavior in 19th-century life. 

I found the passage called, 'Don't Gossip' surprisingly current for 21st-century work/life.

"Be Free From Tattling". "Do not inflict upon society and another member of that despicable and dangerous species called Gossipers. That tongue that carries slander and defames the character of others is as dark as sin itself. Always be careful in your conversations not to dwell on what you heard somebody say about somebody else".

The moral of the story is to stay out of other people's business. Don't participate in negative stories and don't pass those stories around. Gossip has a long fuse that eventually ignites. Gossip is never helpful or productive as in this case of the gossiping employees who brought the whole workplace down in 10 minutes.

Simple............

Anger Management Institute, specializing in anger and stress management and emotional intelligence coaching.

Anger Is Normal

ANGER is a normal emotion designed to protect us and keep us alive. It should be differentiated from THE ANGRY REACTION which is a behavior pattern that is usually learned in early childhood and which is the aggressive reaction to the perception we are being attacked. That attack is most commonly verbal, but can also be physical, psychological or emotional.

Fact..........

Anger Management Institute, 510.303.0250

Worldwide provider of Anger Management and Impulse Control in the workplace.

The Energy Drain Of The Little Stuff

According to the patent filed in 1891 toilet paper was intended to be placed on the cylinder and used as "over" rather than "under".

This has been a looooong standing argument among people literally around the world. People have VERY strong opinions about "over" or "under". Personally, it matters that there IS tissue.  For those that are "stuck" on "right" and argue to the death on a position, you got this one.

 For me "right" is not all that it's cracked up to be. Sometimes you can be "right" and just let things go. Some things are just not worth the time and energy to have an argument about.
Make a decision as to if you want to go to the places that "little stuff" can take you.

You have a choice of" how to spend your energy. Is it worth it???
Truth...........as I see it.........

Anger Management Institute the leader in impulse control for leaders and the Workplace

To All Employers

Treat Employees like they make a difference and they will!

What Is A Level B Instrument

In previous blogs I have talked about being an evidence-based practice (EBP) with an assessment that is categorized as a Level B instrument but what is a Level B instrument and what does that mean?

A, " Level B instrument" means that the assessment that I use has been designed and constructed in a way that meets psychometric standards; and the person administering the assessment has been trained and certified to administer.

Sounds all impressive although what does "psychometric" standards mean?

Psychometric standards mean that the assessment tool that I use has met rigorous research requirements, examinations, and testing and is a reliable and validated document. Just for the record a validated assessment and that is any assessment does not necessarily mean it is a Level B Instrument.

Now, to put all this information together. The Anger Management Institute uses an American Medical Association (AMA) approved tool called the BarOn-2.0 emotional intelligence assessment.  This assessment that I administer is regarded as one of the best assessment tools for moving clients forward from where they are to where they need to be.

Anger Management Institute specializes in Emotional Intelligence (developing people skills) anger and stress management. 510.393.0250

What Being An Evidence Based Process Means

I always refer to my anger and stress management practice as being an evidence-based practice (EBP) however what does that really mean?

 Being an evidence-based practice (EBP)includes additional components that raise the value and results of the work.  Being an evidence-practice is a problem-solving approach that includes research, expertise and the clients' values and circumstances.

The American Counselors Association highly encourages EBP and encourages Counselors to use modalities that are grounded in theory and/or have an empirical or scientific foundation.  The combination of skill, science and client needs and circumstances is considered by ACA as the gold standard for the highest possible outcomes.

The Anger Management Institute is an evidence-based process with a pre and post-assessment.  We are an emotional intelligence-based anger and stress management practice. We use an American Medical Association Level B instrument as part of our process for determining the best course of action for moving a client forward from where they are to where they need to be.  The curriculum for each client is highly customized and is designed based on science, expertise and client needs and circumstances.

The Anger Management Institute specializes in emotional intelligence (people skills) anger and stress management in the workplace 510.393.0250

 

More On Bullying In The Workplace

Recently, I had a client sent to me from a major corporation.  H.R. reported her as having challenges in resolving issues with co-workers.  Susan basically is a bully and uses strong verbal threats with her colleagues. In one situation, the one that landed her in my office, Susan decided to have a physical altercation with one of her peers.  This Bully employee was already on record as being verbally threatening long before she was sent to anger management and in my opinion, should have been sent long before the fight ensued at work.

 Susan is a 20-year employee with an otherwise good work record. A good work record should never be considered more important than appropriate behavior however it was in this case.  Susan was well known among peers and her employer for being a bully.  It could be that the HR dept thought her behavior would just go away with a few write-ups of inappropriate behavior.  Write-ups can sometimes work however, realistically; it is not a real solution to the problem of bullying co-workers simply because bad behavior "rolls out" and affects many.  Not addressing Susan's behavior earlier eventually lead to a fight that not only threatened Susan's employment but also created a tension that rippled throughout the workplace.

A good employee with bad behavior is a threat to moral and production in the workplace. Anger management is a relatively quick and cost-effective process to solving most workplace behavior issues.  Doing "nothing" however will not work; is not a solution and has long term effects in the workplace environment.

Here is the definition of bullying in the workplace:

1.Threatening-humiliating or intimidation.

2. Workplace interference-sabotage-which prevents work from getting done and/or verbal abuse.

Anger Management Institute specializes in workplace behavior and issues. 

Using My Own Skill Base

 I’m on an extra tight schedule like everyone else at this time of year.  I have a couple of parties to give in the next few days and I have to fit in a lot of extra tasks above and beyond my already full life.  The carpet cleaners were late and it was clear by his voice over the phone he would rather be having lunch than picking up carpets.  It was pretty easy to detect that I too was a little irritated.

With my hand on the doorknob turning to admit the carpet cleansers and a vision of the ghost of arguments past, I knew where this could go if I were to sprew my frustrations.  I consciously choose another way of being. I decided to change my energy.  The fact of the matter is I know that everything that has to get done will get done and all will be well.  Even with a glitch, I can manage that too.  Because I always have.

Stress is not always a reaction to a specific situation.  Most often it is our thoughts that lead to intense feelings of stress.  For awhile I was caught up in my thinking about all the things I had to do and the lateness of the carpet cleaners.  As I waited for the carpet cleaners I found myself in a place of unproductive tension. 

 Unproductive tension is always a villain. Unproductive tension is when the mind starts on a path where one thought leads to another, and another and another and agitation begins to build.  It is like a space between an event or a situation where you can make a mountain out of a molehill. The solution was to notice what was happening and stop the momentum of the thoughts that I was creating all in my head.

I had to create other thoughts and assurances that would serve me. I consciously had to turn the unproductive tension into usable energy.  I had to remind myself that I have a choice of how I can feel. Instead of telling myself how terrible all of this was going and getting frustrated I reminded myself that 'everything is going to be fine in the end"! 

 And it was.

 Watch your thoughts. Catch yourself when you are being negative. If you're already under time constraints and the time is counting down you'll do far better to the finish managing your thoughts and attitude. 

Anger Management Institute, Specializing in impulse control and people skills.